What Christmas Does

This is what Christmas does…

pic by Randy Mazie

pic by Randy Mazie


What Christmas Does

The day before Christmas
Was more expensive
than Christmas day

The day before Christmas
Was the day
The toilets backed up
Into the showers

And we plunged
And we snaked
And thanked
Young Gary Dale

Who was over and
Went up on the
Roof like a Redneck Santa
And snaked

The vent
While I plunged.
But like Congress
Nothing budged.

So we called a clean out
Crew of professionals,
And we were again
Grateful on this
The day before

For them coming out
For only A Slightly Higher Day Before
Christmas fee – because listen guys,
They said, we have families, too.

And they found the
Tampon culprit
Which we suspected
While playing our mental game of

Having gone through the list
Of Plum and Scarlet players
Who might have hidden their
– please excuse us –

Bloody weapon
In the linings
Deep within
The guest bathroom

And then, having solved that mystery,
And experiencing a momentary
Sense of relief
That we might go again…

We hear
A hissing, and a gurgling,
And our water pump’s running like all hell
And our water system’s leaking,
And the head is spraying
All around,
And we’re laughing
‘Cause this is one crazy Christmas.

And you know we’re saying,
What the hell else is going to go wrong?.

And now we’re calling
the water man
(For those of you
City Dwellers-
We have
A well).

And out our man comes,
And out a new jet comes,
And out our checkbook comes again.

How we all lived in this house before
With little mishap,
And how lately
When everyone comes back
This old house
Springs leaks, or backs up,
Or creaks, or moans, sighs, sheds tears,
Remembers, crashes, kisses, yells,
Hugs, fights, cries come here or STOP,
Or drinks or eats too much, complains I have a headache,
Or washes dishes till their backs ache, and divvies up the leftovers, throws out the boxes
And strings and paper, and cleans out the ashtrays, and packs up, and they all go home,

And the house is quiet again,
And rarely breaks,
Except a memory which breaks a heart for a moment
And the tear that’s wiped away to move on with the day ahead.

Randy Mazie

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