Post Turkey Talk
Excerpts from “Won Direction” by Bill Maher
Posted: 11/21/2012 8:05 pm
HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher site.
… Now that he’s been reelected, President Obama must get back at all those right wing hacks who tried to paint him as an angry black man pushing a liberal agenda by becoming an angry black man who’s pushing a liberal agenda.
… Mr. President, there are two ways to look at your 51 to 48 percent victory: One is, we love you. The other is, we like you three percent better than Mitt Romney. And by the way, let us never speak that name again… Mitt… let it be a dark and buried memory … like getting dry humped in a crowded subway by Roger Moore.
I like this president… I found him to be very agreeable, Allah be praised. But it’s now the job of progressives to hold his feet to the fire for causes important to us. If not now, when?
There’s no third term, Mr. President, so you may as well throw caution to the wind, ’cause it’s not like we’re using it to produce energy… you’re free now — with no more elections to win, you are free to never again have to kiss the ass of coal miners and say the words “clean coal.” There is no such thing as “clean coal.” It’s like saying “Internet Privacy” or “Tea Party Intellectual.” Or “Fox News Journalist.”…
Another priority should be cutting the defense budget — we’re the home of the brave, let’s prove it by getting by with one less submarine. Yes, we were involved in a struggle against a radical enemy bent on our destruction — but the election is over, and we need to recognize that America has the same problem with the defense budget that Mrs. Petraeus has with her husband’s penis: it’s swollen, and we can’t bring ourselves to touch it.
And as far as Afghanistan goes, I know you said we’re leaving in 2014, but look at it this way: enemies are always on guard for a surprise attack, but they’d never suspect a surprise retreat. Really. We can leave right away. Because we’ve figured out something the Afghans haven’t: air travel.
And as long as we’re ending wars, how about the War on Drugs? Two states, Colorado and Washington, have actually legalized pot now, which gives you as president the rare opportunity to improve the world by doing… absolutely nothing. Just tell Eric Holder to stay the hell out of Boulder, and if the conservatives bitch about it, throw states’ rights back in their face — isn’t that their big theme, send it back to the states, the will of the people? …
And finally, instead of rewriting Social Security, how about rewriting the Patriot Act? How about another look at rendition, and warrantless searches and wire taps? And how about stop listening in on our phone calls and reading our e-mails. I’m not a teenager and you’re not my mom, ok? …