Looking for a job?
I’ve been scouring job postings
and have listed here a few of the most interesting ones.
Let me know if any of them seem like something
you may be qualified for or would like to apply for….
Jobs for the Unemployable – No, Make that Unemployable Jobs
Parking Lot Attendant
Please – no history of grand theft auto. No lovers of fast and furious flicks need apply. Your movie history will be checked.
Must be able to drive in a straight line, parallel park, and demonstrate good memory about you leave keys.
Must have keen ability to flip light switches on and off. Finger dexterity is crucial to position
.Armed Security Guard
Must have both right and left arms. Position may be shared by one armed employees as long as one has right arm and the other has left arm, and both can work same shift and split pay.
Since this is a security job, all applicants’ psychological make-up will be tested for feelings of apprehensiveness, “choking”, “jumpiness”, hesitancy, and vague insecurities.
We supply all weapons – do not bring your own to the interview.
Must be able to take instructions. The successful candidate should be able to respond with “Yes” to most, if not all, directions from supervisors. No contrarians need apply.
Must be good at reminding others that there is no eating allowed at their desks, repeating to staff that subjects are always to be placed in the subject line of their emails, and that 20 minutes for a bathroom break is excessive and that magazines are not allowed in restrooms.
This is an all-important position marking patients for surgery.
Must be able to tell right leg from left leg and mark each appropriately. The successful candidate, and ultimately the successful patient, does not rely on memory or hunches. It is imperative that the employee be able to read medical charts and doctor’s chicken scratch, er, notes carefully.
Attention to detail can be impotant.
Litigation Support Analyst
Must have a “sue the bastards” mentality.
Good referral and kick-back system already in place for the right applicant. No need to cultivate outside resources, we have a high volume pool of available “for-a-fee” medical practitioners and available court witnesses/professional opinion givers in support of plaintiffs.
No salary – pays a percentage of each settlement. Only the best analysts survive. If you’re the best, come on down.
Traffic Monitoring Manager
Applicants must have pleasant phone voice to explain to callers that the traffic monitoring manager does not control traffic, only monitors traffic.
You must be able to explain to the caller that yes, they are in a traffic that appears will be lasting for hours, and that in all probability they will miss their plane at the airport but that we will maintain up-to-the-minute changes in traffic patterns, and they are always welcome to call back for immediate updates as they see fit – or as they have fits..
Mortgage Loan Specialist
Apply at your own risk. I personally thought that all of these employees were killed in 2008.